When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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