just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
