Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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