we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
