i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
