did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
