my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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