the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
