she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
