i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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