I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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