When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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