Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
