I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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