I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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