The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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