At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
