did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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