you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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