im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
