Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
