when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
