You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
