I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
