I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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