Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
