There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
