So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
