Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just puked most of my soul out..
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