i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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