Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
