well I can't set my house on fire every night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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