Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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