If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
