Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fuck appropriateness.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
