Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
