i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
