My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
