I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
