dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
