We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
