dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
