I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
