dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
