it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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