paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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