I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
