my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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