so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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