Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
