I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
