the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
