I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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