i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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