This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
