Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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