I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
