Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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