I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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