Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
